Ashley "Dental School Dropout" Hebert

Last night's Bachelorette taught us several things.  First, William is drop dead be-still-my-heart cute.  I'll admit, I really wasn't listening to a lot of what he was saying because I was too busy thinking about what it would be like to kiss him.  It was a little bold that both participants in the first one-on-one date of the season say that no date will ever be as romantic as that.  I guarantee by the end of the season we will hear Ashley say that at least 12 times, and sometime in the future, William will be punched in the face by his bride-to-be (more likely to be myself than Ashley, I'm sure) for ever saying anything was more romantic than their own first date.  Stupid move cute William.  Stupid.

The second thing the Bachelorette taught us is that West (not to be confused with East) is this season's creeper, which is saying a lot considering the masked man "Jeff" (if that's his real name) from St. Louis (if that's where he's really from).  Yes, West, we know William has the rose, and yes, West, we know he went and stole Ashley away from the rest of the men, but why don't you take a quick run to the bathroom and look at your face.  You're creepy!

Third, Mickey (yes, the grown man who goes by "Mickey") may not be as bad as I initially thought.  He looked cuter last night than he did at the season opener.  Maybe it was the down-play on the gel, or perhaps it was the dead mom card, which was well executed.  But alas, it was all ruined by his "surprise" at seeing Colbie Caillat in the water at Mandalay Bay.  This wasn't a little overdone, this was a lot overdone.  I had to think "do you even know who that is, dear Mickey?"  I wonder if they had to re-film that because the initial look of "what the hell?" wasn't going to play well with the audience.  It was also at this point in the evening that I began wondering if Ashley and Brad "Soul Searcher" Womack aren't perfect for each other.  The cheesey enthusiasm from Ashley was enough to make me burn my nose when I choked on my 7-Up.  "Can you believe this?!"  Yes, Ashley, you idiot, I can believe this.  They do it every season!

Fourth, Ashley is even more needy than she appeared to be last season.  "Please, please, please, please don't go Bentley.  Please stay.  I know you're a bad man and you say you would rather swim in pee than spend time with me, but I really feel in my heart and soul that you're here for the right reasons."  She has a lot of redeeming to do with me after that little stunt.

In conclusion, West…getting the first rose?  Please.  Although Ashley's horrible judgment makes me re-think my own judgment in ever turning on the TV, it's for this reason that I will no doubt be back at promptly 7:00 next Monday, with my spreadsheet and big red marker.