Closure?

If I took a shot every time Ashley said "Bentley" or "closure" tonight, I would have died from alcohol poisoning.  The night began with a very emotional encounter with none other than Bentley himself.  Ashley called him out on exactly what I was thinking - Bentley wanted a free vacation to Hong Kong.  They have a long senseless conversation about punctuation (ellipses, periods, question marks, etc.) and Ashley leaves with "closure."  Or so she says.

On her first one-on-one date of the evening, she goes out with Luke who we learn refers to himself as "Big Tex."  Ashley and Big Tex head on down to the Hong Kong market.  Why does this look familiar to me?  Oh yea.  We did this last week in Thailand.  I don't know about anyone else, but I had about enough of Big Tex last week when he and Ashley engaged in a weird cliche golf lesson.  What I learned from this date:  cowboys do not good pirates make.  Send him home, Ash.

On the group date, the boys had to find teams to participate in dragon racing.  I believe it was Ben F. who made the comment that charm apparently doesn't translate into different languages.  Apparently cute doesn't translate either because I would have been all over that.  At the cocktail party following the manly race, the guys decide to act like a bunch of girls.  They spend a lot of time discussing how "different" they are from Ryan.  I take this to mean that they are mean, bitter, unhappy men, who don't look quite as cute as Ryan does when he's all scruffy.

When they find a moment to escape, Ashley and Ames engage in a teenage-esque makeout session in the elevator.  While en route to the top of the building, some other individual has the audacity to try to use the elevator!  Although we experienced this awkward difficulty, the makeout session was, albeit stiff, somewhat passionate.  I usually take the stairs up to my office.  I'm taking the elevator from now on.

The best thing about Ashley's one-on-one with J.P. was her bracelet on her right wrist, which I subsequently noticed she also wore to the rose ceremony.  They didn't do anything but have dinner and discuss Ashley's feelings - about Bentley!  Are you kidding me?  You spent the last date with J.P. crying about Bentley because he just left you with the ellipses and now you're ruining your second date with the same damn thing!  You wanted this second date so you could make up for the crappy first date.  Do you remember when you fell asleep in front of the fire, looking like sh*t, crying about a jerk into the arms of another man who is 100 times cuter?!  I remember that.

At the final cocktail party of the evening, Ashley opens up to the guys about Bentley and her alleged closure.  The guys don't take the news too well.  But what they do take well, is her apparent boob job.  If you notice, when she walks into the room, Ryan's eyes about popped out of his head.  I was shocked the producers didn't have to phone another ambulance.

Mickey takes the Bentley news as his opportunity to walk away from Ashley without looking like an ass.  Slick move, little Mickey.  Then Ashley sends Blake home.  I'm not heart broken.  We all saw this coming.  When you are so insecure you need to be reassured by Miss Insecurity herself, you have problems.    

The most exciting moments of the night:
1.  Discovering J.P.'s real name is Jordan Paul;
2.  Rewinding the DVR about 10 times trying to figure out who makes Ashley cry at the final rose; and
3.  Most importantly, trying to figure out who Ashley is wearing (her dress that is) at the final rose ceremony.

Dot Dot Dot

Gag me.  It was another boring, whiney day on The Bachelorette.

On the first (and only) one-on-one date of the evening, Ashley took another opportunity to do "normal" things on a date.  At first, this was endearing, now it's just pissing me off.  The only thing that made this date worth watching was Ben F.  I just want to look at him all day.  Who wouldn't drink his wine?

During the group date, Ashley took another opportunity to wear nothing but a cheap sports bra.  I own a cheap sports bra from Target as well.  But here's the difference between Ashley and me:  I'm not on national television.  Well, I'm not on national television today, anyway.  :)

Ashley thought it would be fun to have the guys pretend to be heavyweight champions.  They took turns hopping into the ring and taking shots at one another, but the spotlight was on poor, dear Ames.  He sported the ugly pink shorts with a smile on his face and then he took a hard hit to the head by none other than Ryan (who's weighing in at a hefty 140).  Any other guy would probably be embarrassed by putting his lack of athleticism on display, but not Ames.  So not only am I mad that they would do something as stupid as having amateurs fight one another, but I'm really pissed off because Ashley didn't even hop in the ambulance with Ames!  She just stood there talking about how bad she felt.  I can see how bad you feel Ashley.  If I remember correctly, you just continued to flounce around in your sports bra and talk about how you wished Bentley had been there to kick the sh*t out of someone.  

Then, we have the two-on-one date that everyone has to get all dramatic about.  "The dreaded two-on-one date."  On this date, we have some shady business going on with my dear William.  After he tells Ashley some weird crap about Ben C., I decide to fall out of love with him.  What was really weird though, is how Ashley didn't even take the time to talk with Ben about it.  "I have to send you home Ben.  I don't date guys who do online dating.  It's too public."  That's not how the conversation really went, but she was really bitchy about it.  Not only did she send Ben C. home, she also sent William packing.  It was a good thing I had already fallen out of love with him.  I don't miss him so much now.  Overall, the whole date was weird and I couldn't wait for the commercial break.   

I was in a constant state of frustration during the entire cocktail party.  First, I couldn't hear a damn thing over the sounds of the mating wildlife in the background.  Second, and even more frustrating, Ashley was moping around, feeling sorry for herself again because Bentley left with the "dot dot dot."  It's called an ellipses Ashley.  You may recognize it by its overuse by social networkers.  It's also called Bentley's excuse for leaving you, because he was too chicken sh*t to tell you the truth.  It meant nothing; a filler for when someone doesn't have a real thought.

In conclusion, we left with Ashley whining around about needing closure with Bentley.  I completely understand.  Who doesn't need closure after a failed 12 hour whirlwind romance?...

(yes, pun intended)

Dear Brad,

We can all breathe a collective sigh of relief.  West (the murderer) has been eliminated from the Bachelorette.  I still can't figure out how ABC didn't know about this before putting him on national television.  But alas, ABC does not have me on their side, putting them squarely in the stupid camp.  But then again, West did pull off a murder without the police finding out…

Our first one-on-one date of the evening is ruined by the rain.  Poor Constantine and Ashley.  Stuck having a regular date like regular people:  sipping beer and asking old men for dating advice.  I was surprised by how much I liked him.  Maybe it was because he looks like a giant next to Ashley…or maybe it's because he made Ashley look like a hobbit, I can't decide which.

The group date was a fabulous charitable project "planned by Ashley" which every guy felt compelled to point out.  News flash boys, Ashley didn't just show up in Thailand and decide to crash an orphanage with paint and glitter.  Have you noticed all those guys running around behind the cameras filming your every move?  Ever stop to think that maybe they had anything to do with it? ………nah…….can't be.  I can't help but also point out Ryan's enthusiasm at the prospect of helping underprivileged youth.  I admit, I had to rewind it to see his excitement behind all the other men sporting faces of disappointment.

Despite his less than stellar physical appearance, Ames was charming every girl in America last night.  The more he spoke sweet nothings to Ashley, the smaller the space between his eyes became.  This is nothing short of amazing.  The only complaint I have is that I had to turn on the closed captioning in order to catch every word he was saying.  What's that Ames?  I can't understand that you have been to more than 70 counties because you are mumbling like a 90 year old man.  I know, I know.  Must I point out the flaws?  Yes, I must.  But honestly, he seems like a great guy, and perhaps a little too intelligent for darling, naïve, insecure Ashley.

Ashley spent much of the night talking about her "dark place" with Bentley.  She even once asked the camera if she should open up to Constantine about how much she cared about Bentley and how hurt she is; maybe get his advice on how to get Bentley back (OK, I made that part up.)  Seriously Ashley? Oh yes, she's serious.  In fact, she mentions this to the other guys several times throughout the night. 

Dear Brad Womack,  Can you please provide me with the name and phone number of your therapist at your earliest convenience?  Sincerely, Ashley.

Boring, with a capital "B"

Don't even get me started on this episode.  I didn't notice Chris Harrison say "Stay tuned for the most (fill in the blank) episode of the Bachelorette this season."  That's because the fill-in-the-blank would have been boring.  With the exception of Bentley behaving like a total @ss, the entire episode was excruciatingly dull!

The first date:  flash mob?? Really Ashley?  You think that's "fantastic"?? The other guys get helicopters and Vegas and he gets a flash mob? Fail.  And Note to Ben C., stop talking.  You sound like an auctioneer.

The group date: Great idea ABC.  Let's roast a girl with the self-esteem of an overweight teenager with acne.  Despite William behaving like an idiot, I still love him.  I can't get over it.

JP's date:  Once again – boring.  You sat in front of a fire and you looked like hell because you had spent the entire day crying about another man!  Her mother always told her the way to a man's heart is through the tears being shed for another guy.  And Ashley, please note that you shouldn't wear your pajamas and glasses on national television.  Where is your best friend to give you a reality check:  doing that is a bad idea.  I would have thrown myself in front of the camera if she were my friend.  (slow motion: Nooooooo!)

As far as Bentley is concerned - You have probably spent a total of one hour with this guy and you're in love with him?  Yes, I know, I'm in love with William and I have only spent time with him while sitting on my couch without him actually being present, but seriously, Ashley, this is why you don't have a boyfriend.  She sat there practically blowing her nose in his shirt.  I rolled my eyes so much at the entire exchange, I gave myself a headache.

And now, for my notes on a few of the men:

Ames – His eyes are so far apart, I could drive a dirt bike through there.

Phantom of the Opera – I know many of us were hoping for hideous scars and warts, but all we got was a big nose.  Anti-climactic.

Blake (the Dentist) – I'm predicting he turns out to be a huge jerk.  You heard it here first folks.

Ashley "Dental School Dropout" Hebert

Last night's Bachelorette taught us several things.  First, William is drop dead be-still-my-heart cute.  I'll admit, I really wasn't listening to a lot of what he was saying because I was too busy thinking about what it would be like to kiss him.  It was a little bold that both participants in the first one-on-one date of the season say that no date will ever be as romantic as that.  I guarantee by the end of the season we will hear Ashley say that at least 12 times, and sometime in the future, William will be punched in the face by his bride-to-be (more likely to be myself than Ashley, I'm sure) for ever saying anything was more romantic than their own first date.  Stupid move cute William.  Stupid.

The second thing the Bachelorette taught us is that West (not to be confused with East) is this season's creeper, which is saying a lot considering the masked man "Jeff" (if that's his real name) from St. Louis (if that's where he's really from).  Yes, West, we know William has the rose, and yes, West, we know he went and stole Ashley away from the rest of the men, but why don't you take a quick run to the bathroom and look at your face.  You're creepy!

Third, Mickey (yes, the grown man who goes by "Mickey") may not be as bad as I initially thought.  He looked cuter last night than he did at the season opener.  Maybe it was the down-play on the gel, or perhaps it was the dead mom card, which was well executed.  But alas, it was all ruined by his "surprise" at seeing Colbie Caillat in the water at Mandalay Bay.  This wasn't a little overdone, this was a lot overdone.  I had to think "do you even know who that is, dear Mickey?"  I wonder if they had to re-film that because the initial look of "what the hell?" wasn't going to play well with the audience.  It was also at this point in the evening that I began wondering if Ashley and Brad "Soul Searcher" Womack aren't perfect for each other.  The cheesey enthusiasm from Ashley was enough to make me burn my nose when I choked on my 7-Up.  "Can you believe this?!"  Yes, Ashley, you idiot, I can believe this.  They do it every season!

Fourth, Ashley is even more needy than she appeared to be last season.  "Please, please, please, please don't go Bentley.  Please stay.  I know you're a bad man and you say you would rather swim in pee than spend time with me, but I really feel in my heart and soul that you're here for the right reasons."  She has a lot of redeeming to do with me after that little stunt.

In conclusion, West…getting the first rose?  Please.  Although Ashley's horrible judgment makes me re-think my own judgment in ever turning on the TV, it's for this reason that I will no doubt be back at promptly 7:00 next Monday, with my spreadsheet and big red marker.

dani, blogger.

Every Monday, my girlfriends and I get together to drink wine and watch The Bachelorette.  I love having people around to listen to me talk when I watch TV.  I love having people listen to me talk, period.  Although I'm pretty sure the guy in the apartment next door can hear everything I have to say to myself every minute of every day, it's just not satisfying enough.  

So, in order to encourage my friends to return the following week, I try to keep the commentary (which is constantly running in my head) to a minimum.  Yes, I'm courteous while they are present, but they fall victim to all of my unspoken comments in a "review" email which follows every Tuesday morning.  

My friend, Laci, prompted me to start a blog.  (She can convince me to do pretty much anything.)  She insisted it was because she found my "reviews" humorous, but I can't help but feel like she's trying to make other people listen so she doesn't have to.  

The few posts that follow are my actual emails that went out several weeks ago.  I hope you enjoy them as much as Laci claims to.  I know she will enjoy it, because now, I won't overhaul her email inbox every Tuesday.