"Maybe I wasn't cut out for this." It's the sound clip we have been hearing all season, and on Monday night, we finally got it! Tears, smeared mascara, shaky voices. This is Bachelorette magic.
Much to Ryan's disappointment, the first one-on-one date card of the evening arrived for Constantine, who is as boring as I am when I'm hungover. When Constantine was on the screen, I didn't hear anything because I was too busy trying to measure the size of his forehead. Upon realizing this, I immediately rewound the DVR so I could concentrate. It didn't help. The only thing I got out of the conversation was when Constantine reflected back on something Ashley said earlier in the season. "OMG, you like were totally listening when I said that!" Is that a novel thing there for ya Ashley? She was so surprised that someone was actually listening to her, I felt a little sorry for her. She spent much of the date fishing for compliments and trying to get Constantine to hold her hand. Typical.
Much to Ryan's disappointment (again) the second one-on-one date card of the evening arrived for Ben. We had to watch Ryan drag his head and the sweat drip off of J.P.'s entire head. Why the look of surprise boys? Judging by their behavior, I can only guess that someone forgot to tell them they were on a dating show. Ashley and Ben's date began on a moped. This is going to be great! Who doesn't love a good moped? Ben started off the date with a bang - a Dumb and Dumber reference, which I'm pretty sure Ashley didn't catch. The fun stopped there and I began to hate Ben. He kept saying he was "falling in love with Ashley." Seriously? My crush stops here, because I don't like stupid people.
Here is where the drama ensues. Ben doesn't come home! What?! Ben's not in his bed. If I were a more fluent blogger (which I'm not) or more motivated (which I'm never), I would put up a poll and everyone could vote on whether or not Ben was lying when he said they had separate rooms. You're not fooling anyone Ben, including J.P.
On the group date which included Ames, Lucas, and J.P., we take wedding portraits, because that's not weird at all. True to form, Ames wore his unfortunate wardrobe chosen by the ABC producers with confidence and style. He didn't mope around (J.P) or whine (J.P.) or hang his head for attention (J.P.). He just looked hot. J.P. however, looked like a whiney brat. It took me a whole 1/10 of a second to realize who he reminded me of - Ashley. He is such an insecure little sh*t, I can't hardly look at him. And that's saying something because he's pretty damn cute. Honestly J.P., you're acting like a girl. Most girls would say that such jealousy is not very becoming, but not Ashley! She decides to give J.P. the rose to reassure him. Excellent idea.
On the last one-on-one date of the evening, Ryan has his opportunity to run a ridiculous distance across the streets of Taipei and whip Ashley up into his arms and twirl her around. I could see the little though bubble above his head - "This is it! Don't screw it up! Arms out...lift (with your legs, not your back)...twirl!" Flawless, Ryan. Awkward, but flawless. Ashley and Ryan head to a temple where a bunch of people are praying and decide to disrupt the entire religious display by walking through all of these people, cameras in tow. "Don't you know who I am?! Respect Taipei faithful people - respect." After this, they sit down for a nice lunch where Ashley tells Ryan to talk dirty to her. Environmentally, that is. He chooses the evils of hot water heaters. I'm a tree hugger myself, but this is a little weird. To top it off, Ashley's not even paying attention. You can tell by the look on her face that she's planning her next outfit. This is why she sends him home, and we have to endure 10 minutes of Ryan pulling his sh*t together before we can go to commercial break.
Oh sigh.
At the rose ceremony, Ashley sends Lucas (Big Tex) home and then once again second guesses her decision. Don't rethink it Ashley. Contrary to popular belief, it takes a lot of awesome to be a country bumpkin, and I don't think you're cut out for it.
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